turn and face the strange
LOTSA CHANGES! (You get a super special secret kiss if you can name or describe that BFL show and/or sketch.)
Oh, by the by ... I've given up theatre again. You can see my past reflections on this subject (in chrono order): here (in which I break up with acting) , here (in which acting & I patch things up), and here (in which I continue to question my relationship with acting).
I haven't spilled much about my experience with The Women at ACT Theatre. As long as I live, I will think of that production as a gift. An incredibly unique, wonderful and truly special experience. I really have nothing bad to say about it. I loved every minute. And yet, ironically, it was during the production that I realized that my previous semi-facetious disavowal of acting was perhaps actually my prescient subconsciousness prepping me for future action.
During the show's process, I looked at the actors around me (in and out of the show). They mainly fall into 3 categories. They either:
Yeah. Seriously? I doubt it. It's laughable. It's also not how I want to live.
I have a friend that has to totally re-budget if she wants to spend $10 at a spontaneous lunch out. I have another friend who lives in a 2-room dive. They are both older than I am. I've got dozens of examples like this. Don't misunderstand - I have no judgments related to them as people. More power to them, and I am honestly thrilled that they are living their dream.
I guess it's just not so much my dream anymore.
Although I also think it's ludicrous to say that I've given it up forever. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I do know that this time feels different than last time when I think I was simply burned out. This feels more permanent, like an actual life-change decision.
In closely related news, I am 2 weeks away from going fulltime at my job. Kage (my jobshare partner and dear friend) decided to pursue another career (which is so exciting and I am so supportive of). Considering these reflections I've just shared, I decided the time was ripe to see what is was like to be a non-actor. Just about the same time, my boss got promoted and asked me to go with her. So I'm also about to be promoted. Weird, right? Doesn't it all seem kinda destined?
I'm pretty much at peace with this for myself, although I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the broader and more general societal implications. How frustrating it is that the world does not value what I am really fucking good at. The tiny niggling nagging feeling that I'm losing the fight by giving up. But t the same time, these feelings seem romantic and self-indulgent.
How does it change you inside to linguistically change how you self-define to the outside world? For as long as I've been a self-supporting adult, I have always been an actor who has a day-job. Now I'll be a 9-to-5er who will maybe act sometimes.
Oh, by the by ... I've given up theatre again. You can see my past reflections on this subject (in chrono order): here (in which I break up with acting) , here (in which acting & I patch things up), and here (in which I continue to question my relationship with acting).
I haven't spilled much about my experience with The Women at ACT Theatre. As long as I live, I will think of that production as a gift. An incredibly unique, wonderful and truly special experience. I really have nothing bad to say about it. I loved every minute. And yet, ironically, it was during the production that I realized that my previous semi-facetious disavowal of acting was perhaps actually my prescient subconsciousness prepping me for future action.
During the show's process, I looked at the actors around me (in and out of the show). They mainly fall into 3 categories. They either:
- are supported financially by someone else,
- worry constantly about money, health insurance and the next job, or
- are young.
Yeah. Seriously? I doubt it. It's laughable. It's also not how I want to live.
I have a friend that has to totally re-budget if she wants to spend $10 at a spontaneous lunch out. I have another friend who lives in a 2-room dive. They are both older than I am. I've got dozens of examples like this. Don't misunderstand - I have no judgments related to them as people. More power to them, and I am honestly thrilled that they are living their dream.
I guess it's just not so much my dream anymore.
Although I also think it's ludicrous to say that I've given it up forever. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I do know that this time feels different than last time when I think I was simply burned out. This feels more permanent, like an actual life-change decision.
In closely related news, I am 2 weeks away from going fulltime at my job. Kage (my jobshare partner and dear friend) decided to pursue another career (which is so exciting and I am so supportive of). Considering these reflections I've just shared, I decided the time was ripe to see what is was like to be a non-actor. Just about the same time, my boss got promoted and asked me to go with her. So I'm also about to be promoted. Weird, right? Doesn't it all seem kinda destined?
I'm pretty much at peace with this for myself, although I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the broader and more general societal implications. How frustrating it is that the world does not value what I am really fucking good at. The tiny niggling nagging feeling that I'm losing the fight by giving up. But t the same time, these feelings seem romantic and self-indulgent.
How does it change you inside to linguistically change how you self-define to the outside world? For as long as I've been a self-supporting adult, I have always been an actor who has a day-job. Now I'll be a 9-to-5er who will maybe act sometimes.
Comments
After two solid years of not a single acting job coming my way (I knew when I joined Equity that would be a possibility, but as is frequently the case, the theoretical doesn't have nearly as much impact as the actual), I finally had to realize it was time to stop referring to myself as an "actor"; acting is something you DO, and if you're NOT DOING it, you really can't justify hanging onto the title (although, I suppose, there are no doubt literally thousands of "actors" in places like L.A. who haven't had a job in a lot longer than myself, but who still refer to themselves as such - one of the charms of living in a fantasy-land like La-La in the first place, I guess.)
But you know what? Even though I don't do that one particular thing anymore (not that I also wouldn't hesitate to do it again, given the right opportunity), it actually was freeing in a way, because it made me realize my devotion to theatre isn't defined by just being an actor; it's defined by my love of the medium, and of the people who work in it, even if they can be insufferable egomaniacs on occasion (unlike myself, of course!)
So, take a break, even if it turns out to be permanent, from acting. But, there's more things to do than just act, so just don't cut yourself off completely from the possibility of doing those other things, if you have the inclination.
If it's important that you define yourself some particular way, this may not be helpful. However, I've found that I define myself however I want. I'll introduce myself to one person as a programmer, to another as a theater tech, and to another as a motorcycle nut. Same person, different contexts.
You'll always be an actor to me, Egg. But that doesn't preclude you from also being kickass at your day job, or fabulous at cardio and core training, or a successful Hardwearables entrepreneur. It also doesn't preclude you from being my friend, which may be the ultimate measure.
Found yer blog, found yer blog! Woohoo! Knew I wasn't crazy when I thought I knew a blogger (bloggiste?).
I feel you on the acting thing - it is often like a really mercurial relationship, the kind we had in our 20s, breaking up/getting back together. Do what feels right now. Acting will always be there - really, it will. Nothing is set in stone.
I chased a dream once, all the way to Africa… I didn’t change the world, but I met my wife there. I came home to start a family, but you never really get a dream like Africa out of your system. I will go back again some day. Not to disrespect your decision, but I kind of hope you find a way to go back to acting some day. I haven’t seen you in a show in twenty years, but you were the best.
Happy Valentines Day Peg :) Talk to you again in 2013… Dan.
PS.. my wife went to Tech… go hokies! She was disturbed to hear of your liaison with the Hokie bird, and even more so that you would dream about Marco… please, if you write about him and he somehow sees it, we will be the ones who suffer. He will see it as some sort of accomplishment. ;)
I am coming to Sterling this summer (I think) for my 20 year PVHS reunion. Can you believe it? 20 friggin' years. Anywho ... I want to see all you guys - NO EXCUSES! I miss you. I'm terrible at keeping up, but I think of you often.