hard habit to break

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Ego is a funny thing, isn't it? It comes on unbidden, to the best and worst of us. It has many flavors. Sometimes it's called self-esteem, and it reminds us that we actually are pretty great. Go a little further down that road and you run into self-importance, which makes others want to punch you. Keep going until dawn and you enter megalomania ... a hateful land where nobody will come visit. Backtrack and head the other direction and pretty soon you'll find pride, which is a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there. And make sure you don't take a wrong turn into self-righeousness! Winding through the entire land is the river of insecurity.

I loved mixed metaphors.

Oh shit, I forgot I had a point. Don't go yet!

I have a very small part in this play. So small that even though I play 3 parts, it's still small. I'm just about 37 years old (years young, rather - YEAH!). I've been around this town for almost 15 years, and I've worked as an actor the entire time. I'm a good actor (pardon my self-esteem), and yet I play leads & supporting roles on the fringe for no money and (if I keep up this rate) bit parts in the big houses once every 10 years. Not exactly the vision of my life I held 10 or 15 years ago. What happened to my bright acting career? Haven't I paid my dues? What about fame and fortune? Actually, screw those witches Fame and Fortune -- what happened to eking out a living by acting?

Here's the thing though ... I don't actually feel these things. Not really. It's only a residual memory my ego has retained - a Pavlovian response. It's not real; it's not accurate. It might have been 5 or 10 years ago, but my life and loves and desires are so different now. I'm content, I'm happy, I'm centered. I love my day job, I love having health insurance, I love having money to buy things and living in a nice place. I love traveling whenever I want to. I adore the freedom of not being a professional actor.

I am thoroughly THRILLED to have some bit parts in this show and to work with amazing people and to get paid for it. It's a blast, and I freakin' love my 15 castmates, 12 lines, 5 costumes and 4 wigs. I don't expect it to be my big break like I did the last time I was in this position. I am delighted simply to have this experience in this moment in time, and that's absolutely true. But I have to remind myself of this. When you want something for so long - or think you do - it becomes a habit.

Not to say that I wouldn't also adore being a professional actor.

Human beings are complicated.

Comments

Christopher said…
Yeah, it's a tough row to hoe - but, you should count yourself lucky that you haven't completely reached the point of tossing away the ambition in exchange for security.

And treating each opportunity as a gift, as opposed to either a necessity, or worse, an obligation, isn't such a bad way to go, either.
9/25/07, 11:49 AM
Anonymous said…
PEGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am delurking (finally) to say ROCK ON, LITTLE SISTER! that's a hard thing to realize and admit and put into writing.
love you, miss you, are you ever in nyc?
i have 2 kids!!!!!!
xoxoxo
sioux
9/26/07, 7:08 PM
(egg) said…
SIOUX!!!! Holy doodle, I miss you like crazy! I'm so pleased you delurked, and please email me so we can hang out in cyberspace. I'm at peggygannon (at) gmail (dot) com. I knew you had 1 kid, but I'm not sure I knew about number 2. Wow! Do you love it?

We may be in NYC sometime in the next year or so. My sweetheart's got a solo show we're working on producing there, and if it works out we'll be there for at the very least a long weekend.

What a delight - send me pics!

Love,
Peggy
9/29/07, 10:12 PM
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