oof (middle of 3rd day of detox)

This is hard. Really hard. Day 2 sucked ass. I woke up with that same headache, except a little worse. It diminished a little as I had the first "feeding" (as Monkey calls it, which totally makes me giggle). We distracted ourselves with a movie, and then went to see an apartment for rent down the block. The whole time I kinda feel like shit, but I try (and mostly fail) to have a good attitude and pretend that I can tell I'm rounding a corner.

It makes it all the worse that I chose to do this. I actually start to get angry at myself for committing to something so ridiculous. It feels ludicrous, but I am trapped because I told so many people, I'm blogging about it, and I don't want to be a quitter. Which is, of course, why I told so many people & am blogging about it -- so that I wouldn't let myself off that easy. So far it's working.

After Monkey left for work yesterday, I was in a bad place. And not just mentally, which is what it had been up to then. Actually physically. I had no energy, my muscles ached, I didn't even want the feedings - I forced them down even though the smell made me want to gag. I know enough about myself to know that that's the way my body reacts to stress; so I soldiered through. I just treated it as if I were sick ('cause that's what it is, really), and holed up on the couch with a comfy warm blanket, my cat, the tv, a NYT crossword book, my current book, and some dvds. And then I proceeded to mostly sleep with the tv on.

It sounds horrible, doesn't it? I don't think it's actually as bad as it sounds. Unpleasant, sure. Like a low-grade flu or cold, except without any of the symptoms save body depression ... which in the grand scheme of things is not that bad. Most of that is the mental game, I think. You gotta keep your eye on the prize. I am viewing yesterday through the lens of today, of course. This entry would be a lot different if I'd had the motivation to write about it yesterday afternoon.

By the time evening rolled around, I was feeling markedly better. Thank god, because I had rehearsal for the show I'm directing. Then Monkey & I watched another movie and went to bed. He fared much better on Day 2 than I did.

Today ... I gotta be honest --- I'm not feeling great, but I can see how tomorrow I might be. My muscles are still a bit achy, a twinge of headache is still present, but I'm breathing easier. I feel like you do when you've been sick for awhile and you wake up one day and you just somehow know you're better. You don't feel 100%, but you can tell you aren't sick anymore, and now your body just needs to catch up. But still - I want to eat. That hasn't gone away. I'm not necessarily feeling hungry, but I would like to chew something. That's a challenge, but it's not insurmountable. It's getting better.

It seems like Monkey's about a day behind me. He's having the day today that I had yesterday. I will do my best to be kind. Both of us are trying valiantly to stick with it.


Tina Rowley said...

You guys are ass-kickers, kicking ass at ass-kicking. I am exceedingly impressed! I bet you will feel amazing when all is said and done.

How great that you're doing it together.

I have taken inspiration from you, in other news, and started working with a personal trainer! He's good! I never knew that I could improve my balance - I thought it was something you had or didn't have. I'm getting some!

So, thank you - oh my god! Up there I was about to say "hot dog!" to celebrate and then I was going to call you "cookie", ie, thank you, cookie. I know that for all intents and purposes I have now done that. But it made me laugh.
Please know that I do not subconsciously hate you. All the thinking about your not eating must have made all those food terms swim to the surface.

Also, I'm doing Weight Watchers again, to lose those last 10-12 pounds. Again, you must be like, "Must be nice, HENRY THE EIGHTH.*"

*Henry VIII is my go-to vision of gluttony. Hucking into some freaky mutton.

ANYHOO. You, my dear, are strong and valiant and you will totally prevail. You can do this. You are strong inside. The insides are strong! Power!

(egg) said...

Thanks, Tina -- I appreciate the support & encouragement more than you know! And no worries re: food references; they don't even scratch the surface anymore.

Good for you re: personal trainer. Don't you love it? That balance thing is one of the core elements we started with (and are still working on). It's hard & can be frustrating, but it's sooooooo worth it!

eggy from seastle