Oh, by the by ... I've given up theatre again. You can see my past reflections on this subject (in chrono order): here (in which I break up with acting) , here (in which acting & I patch things up), and here (in which I continue to question my relationship with acting).
I haven't spilled much about my experience with The Women at ACT Theatre. As long as I live, I will think of that production as a gift. An incredibly unique, wonderful and truly special experience. I really have nothing bad to say about it. I loved every minute. And yet, ironically, it was during the production that I realized that my previous semi-facetious disavowal of acting was perhaps actually my prescient subconsciousness prepping me for future action.
During the show's process, I looked at the actors around me (in and out of the show). They mainly fall into 3 categories. They either:
- are supported financially by someone else,
- worry constantly about money, health insurance and the next job, or
- are young.
Yeah. Seriously? I doubt it. It's laughable. It's also not how I want to live.
I have a friend that has to totally re-budget if she wants to spend $10 at a spontaneous lunch out. I have another friend who lives in a 2-room dive. They are both older than I am. I've got dozens of examples like this. Don't misunderstand - I have no judgments related to them as people. More power to them, and I am honestly thrilled that they are living their dream.
I guess it's just not so much my dream anymore.
Although I also think it's ludicrous to say that I've given it up forever. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I do know that this time feels different than last time when I think I was simply burned out. This feels more permanent, like an actual life-change decision.
In closely related news, I am 2 weeks away from going fulltime at my job. Kage (my jobshare partner and dear friend) decided to pursue another career (which is so exciting and I am so supportive of). Considering these reflections I've just shared, I decided the time was ripe to see what is was like to be a non-actor. Just about the same time, my boss got promoted and asked me to go with her. So I'm also about to be promoted. Weird, right? Doesn't it all seem kinda destined?
I'm pretty much at peace with this for myself, although I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the broader and more general societal implications. How frustrating it is that the world does not value what I am really fucking good at. The tiny niggling nagging feeling that I'm losing the fight by giving up. But t the same time, these feelings seem romantic and self-indulgent.
How does it change you inside to linguistically change how you self-define to the outside world? For as long as I've been a self-supporting adult, I have always been an actor who has a day-job. Now I'll be a 9-to-5er who will maybe act sometimes.