the final countdown

Today is the last day of my detox diet. That makes tomorrow the first day of the rest of my life.

Honestly, I wouldn't have stuck this out all 13 days if I hadn't publically said that I would. I wish it had been a 9-day detox. It's not that it's been difficult to go without regular food - not since day 3, really. However, I have not received any noticable benefit in the past several days, apart from some more weight loss. My overriding feelings at this point are of utter boredom and moderate annoyance. I am receiving nourishment, but no joy. Yesterday's switch to raw veggies & fruits provided some minor excitement, but I long to be truly sated.

I'm glad I did it. I'd even do it again, possibly. No way in hell for 13 days, but maybe for 3-5 every once in awhile to clear my system out. Conceptually, I'm thrilled that my body's clean and that I'm starting from a clear slate, and I'm eager to monitor how I react to my standard fare. Pragmatically, I'm sick to death of the whole g-d thing.

Catch me tomorrow ... I bet I'll have a better attitude then.


he's nobody's fool

My friend JJ has a post over at his place that is well worth checking out. I'll do it no justice by trying to capsulize it here, but it's about sexism and hatred and fear. It's wonderful, and I'm still chewing on it and untangling my thoughts about it.

i dream of broccoli

11 days down, 2 days to go. Tomorrow, I will actually get to chew food for the first time in 12 days. It's like Christmas - I want to go to bed early so that morning gets here sooner.

Imagine what I'm going to feel like on Thursday night! My brain may shut down. I think the first thing I'll do upon waking on Friday is toast some bread. Sprouted whole wheat bread. With just a little organic honey. Mmmm ... I have been yearning for toast for days now.

Oh my god. My brain IS going to shut down. For sure. Holy crap, I can't wait.

(You can't hear me, but I just giggled maniacally.)


monkey detox - RIP, May 19-27

Monkey decided on Saturday to stop his detox as of today. He went 9 days, and lost 10 pounds and change. YAY MONKEY! Here's his explanation & his reaction to the detox:

Thanks homies for putting up with my detox "blog" - This, alas, will be my last entry... it's the 9th day and I've went from 181.6 to 171.6 pounds and will probably lose one more lb. by tommorrow morning, but I'm pulling the plug after today. We haven't even opened or broken into my box of product, so Peggy and I will return it and split the money. We're both fuckin' sick to death of those goddamn powder feedings. She plans on continuing, but I'm happily putting up my gloves. I don't feel any failure; it's clear I have the willpower to finish, just not the reason or drive. EVERYONE seemed to suggest that after day 4 or 5, you'd feel better and have increased energy. This was just not the case for me; I feel fine, but the mind-numbingly DULL grind of clean living has made me moody (as Peggy can attest). An extreme half day headache on Day 7 didn't help either, besides feeling I was wasting away one of my first open weekends in a million years. To say I'm euphoric about eating in one day is an understatement. It was an interesting experiment, clearly good for my body and my future habits, but doing it sucked!!! "Dirty" Shoogs* is back!!!

*"Shoogs" is a nickname of his from way back.

He's right on about being sick to death of the powders. By now, I only actually look forward to 2 of them. I kinda like another, I don't hate 1 more, and I dread the other 3. This wasn't the case early on - I was mostly into all of them.

As he mentions, we'll be returning a completely unopened box of product. One box is designed to be a complete 13-day detox program for 1 person. However, they give you enough powder for 18 days if you want to extend it for a few days. So we ordered 2 boxes. Even after 9 days for both of us, there is still enough powder left for me through today, and through tomorrow if I supplement it a bit. The practical issues of getting the money back from that second box (about $150 split between us) outweighed my personal "need" for me to stick to this particular program. The thought of losing $150 bucks just to open the box for me only for 2 or 3 days made me crazy.

I hereby affirm that I am not (repeat: NOT) stopping my detox. I am going all 13 days, like I wanted to. However, I am altering it. I am supplementing the powders today & tomorrow with a small handful of whole fruit & ice to make smoothies. I think with that addition the taste won't turn me off like it has been, and they will last me through tomorrow. Starting with Day 12, I will be adding a limited amount of organic fresh fruit, veggies & raw nuts back into my diet. I will keep to the same 7x/day schedule, and maintain (or increase) my water intake.

Day 14 will be a heavenly day. I'm already planning my (sensible) meals.


hey! open up! it's meme!

My life was normal, okay. Happy even. I had been tagged for nary a meme. I didn't know what I was missing!! Now I've got 2 on my plate!


I am beside myself with anxiety and glee. Memes are like the in-crowd. You're delighted they even noticed you, but now you have to make sure you wear make-up everyday and that your shoes are perfect and that you never have a booger EVER. Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls knows what I'm talking about.

The first meme comes from Tina over at The Gallivanting Monkey:

I ask you to tell us 3 fantasies about yourself if you were a total, unbelievable success. Like the hero of all future reunions.
This meme made me realize that my dreams are humble but fierce. Here we go ...
  1. I have the courage & resources to act in alignment with my beliefs. ALL THE TIME. I have built, decorated and furnished a home as green as humanly possible, with only exactly as much space as we need. I clean it all myself (again, green) because I like to clean and it's good exercise. I buy my food local, organic & sustainable. I buy my clothes, shoes & accessories from local textile artists. I've finally realized how to dress myself appropriately for all occasions. I speak up when I see injustices in public, but with humor & kindness - in such a way that doesn't anger or embarrass anyone. I have at last figured out how to engage in productive & valuable discourse with someone I disagree with. Where I used to think - "That sucks, but what can I do about it?" - I now know what it is that I can do about it. And then I actually do it.

  2. I know how to do maintenance on my own car. I can play guitar. I know Aikido. I know how to swing dance and how to salsa. I'm working on a book I'll probably never finish. I have a workshop where I create ... things! I don't know what yet, but whatever I want.

  3. I'm not famous, but I don't have to audition for anything anymore. People just call me and offer me stuff. Good stuff; exciting stuff. Not just acting stuff, either, but I am sought after as a director, a dramaturg, a producer. People truly like to work with me as well as are always impressed with my ... (well, since it's my fantasy) ... my GENIUS coupled with my HUMILTY.

HA! That was entirely fun. Thanks, Tina, my love!

Memes ahead: Suzanne has issued me a challange over at Perfecting Procrastination. Perhaps I'll get to it tomorrow. Or the next day. Some day soon.

hanging in there (midday of 8th day of detox)

I feel good. I'm over the hump, and now it's just a test of wills. I know I can make it through. But will I? There's no chance of me cheating; I don't even feel the need. However, there is a real chance of me simply choosing to stop early.

It's not about hunger, and it's not about being a slave to food. It's about the pure sensual, physical, social, romantic joy of eating. Texture, taste, temperature. The contrast & compliment of varied flavors. I really, truly miss it. It's not so much the food, it's the eating.

The biggest reason keeping me from quitting early? Vanity, pride, the fact I won't be able to claim that I really did it.

I think I'll do it. At this point - why not, right?


keep on keeping on (morning of 6th day of detox)

As I highlighted in this post, I tend to think of quantifiable amounts in fractions. Yesterday I hit the 1/3 mark, and by the end of tomorrow I will be over 1/2 of the way through this g-d trial of will. Once I hit a fraction that seems substantial and not simply depressing (like day 1 being 1/13 - that’s just sad), I feel ridiculously more comfortable. It seems manageable.

I feel ... well, I feel okay. Pretty good. I’m not hungry. I’m hardly getting cravings anymore. Except for the fact that I am not eating actual meals, I feel fairly normal. I’m able to get through work with no problem. I’m able to go to my regular workouts with Cody (although without my usual verve, and he’s altered them a bit to support the detox). But I am still waiting for the surge of energy, the amazing clarity, the euphoria that everyone talks about. It’s like a freakin’ holy grail.

I mean, I didn’t really do this to feel normal, ya know? I could have gotten "normal" by not doing a damn thing. I don’t intend to be discouraging. I truly don’t. There are very specific positives, and I am fully aware of them (mostly because I remind myself of them constantly to keep my spirits up). The one tangible is that I’m losing weight like a mofo. That helps immediately to boost my morale, even though I know that some of it will return when I eat solid food again. But, so far, all the other benefits are intangible. I believe they are real and worthy, but I can’t see or feel them (yet).

And so even though it’s not really hard anymore, it’s still mainly a head game. Passing the 1/2-way mark and moving into bigger fractions will make the game easier. I hope. But it’s kinda boring. And it’s still all I think about when I’m not distracted by some other activity. The good news is that it’s pretty easy to distract me from it.

Ultimately, I think I’ll be glad that I’m doing it, and I’m gonna stick it out. It's only 13 days out of my whole life. Meantime, I am still hoping & waiting for the holy grail.


oof (middle of 3rd day of detox)

This is hard. Really hard. Day 2 sucked ass. I woke up with that same headache, except a little worse. It diminished a little as I had the first "feeding" (as Monkey calls it, which totally makes me giggle). We distracted ourselves with a movie, and then went to see an apartment for rent down the block. The whole time I kinda feel like shit, but I try (and mostly fail) to have a good attitude and pretend that I can tell I'm rounding a corner.

It makes it all the worse that I chose to do this. I actually start to get angry at myself for committing to something so ridiculous. It feels ludicrous, but I am trapped because I told so many people, I'm blogging about it, and I don't want to be a quitter. Which is, of course, why I told so many people & am blogging about it -- so that I wouldn't let myself off that easy. So far it's working.

After Monkey left for work yesterday, I was in a bad place. And not just mentally, which is what it had been up to then. Actually physically. I had no energy, my muscles ached, I didn't even want the feedings - I forced them down even though the smell made me want to gag. I know enough about myself to know that that's the way my body reacts to stress; so I soldiered through. I just treated it as if I were sick ('cause that's what it is, really), and holed up on the couch with a comfy warm blanket, my cat, the tv, a NYT crossword book, my current book, and some dvds. And then I proceeded to mostly sleep with the tv on.

It sounds horrible, doesn't it? I don't think it's actually as bad as it sounds. Unpleasant, sure. Like a low-grade flu or cold, except without any of the symptoms save body depression ... which in the grand scheme of things is not that bad. Most of that is the mental game, I think. You gotta keep your eye on the prize. I am viewing yesterday through the lens of today, of course. This entry would be a lot different if I'd had the motivation to write about it yesterday afternoon.

By the time evening rolled around, I was feeling markedly better. Thank god, because I had rehearsal for the show I'm directing. Then Monkey & I watched another movie and went to bed. He fared much better on Day 2 than I did.

Today ... I gotta be honest --- I'm not feeling great, but I can see how tomorrow I might be. My muscles are still a bit achy, a twinge of headache is still present, but I'm breathing easier. I feel like you do when you've been sick for awhile and you wake up one day and you just somehow know you're better. You don't feel 100%, but you can tell you aren't sick anymore, and now your body just needs to catch up. But still - I want to eat. That hasn't gone away. I'm not necessarily feeling hungry, but I would like to chew something. That's a challenge, but it's not insurmountable. It's getting better.

It seems like Monkey's about a day behind me. He's having the day today that I had yesterday. I will do my best to be kind. Both of us are trying valiantly to stick with it.


eye on the prize

I started a 2-week detox diet today, kind of a hard-core one. Monkey's doing it with me (thank god). I am chronicling it over here at my other blog, if you care to read about how it's going and, more specifically, what I'm going through. I've not done anything like this before, ever. I was nervous-excited before I started, but I'm done with that. Now I've got my head down ... it's a buzz-saw at crunch time, people.

In other news, I'm going to finally finish my road trip journal entries from last summer. I can't exactly remember why I stopped, but I only cleaned up & posted my notes through July 14th, so I've got about 1/2-month's worth to go.

I also need to post about Hawai'i. DAMN! Where have I been? Get on it, PEGGY! Well, enjoy these pics in the meantime. I'm hungry.

starting line (late on 1st day of detox)

Before our detox (naked in the morning after "relieving ourselves" but before eating or drinking anything):
Monkey = 181 lbs.
Me = 148 lbs.
... we'll see what happens as we go.

Today, I have had frequent ... well, not really cravings. They aren't focused enough to be cravings. More like urges - half-formed thoughts of what I might decide to eat before I come to my senses and remember that I won't be eating at all. The only challenging part about today (so far) is trying to stay in the moment. I start to get a little crazy when I think about not eating for 2 whole weeks. I mean, who am I kidding?! I freakin' love to eat. Why in the world would I choose to do this detox? I have gone mad! I start to hyperventilate a little, and then I calm down and realize I only need to concentrate on the next 2 hours.

I expect that to get worse over the next 2 days, and then taper off. It will be my greatest obstacle, I think.

I haven't felt actual hunger at all. These drinks come every two or so hours, so by the time I'd really start to feel hungry, I get to drink another one. They aren't bad; I actually like the taste. Favorites are already emerging; ones I can tell I'll look forward to and also ones I will drink as quickly as possible to get it over with. But none of them are hateful.

I have had an underlying headache since about 1pm. Not too bad; only slightly distracting. I took a nap at about 2:30p. Could not keep my eyes open. I set the alarm to make sure I didn't get off-schedule, and woke up at 3:15p. Kicked back again in bed after that and did some crosswords until I fell asleep (again!).

Obviously, my method today is to take is slow & easy. I am going to take advantage of the evening sun and take a walk right now. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

I swear, people ... if Monkey & I make it through this, then anyone can do it!

detox day 1

Hey y'all, I started a detox! I am on day 1 and I don't have much to say about it yet, except to explain the basic concept, so you can get an idea.

It's a regulated all-liquid diet. There are 7 different powders and they're mixed with 8-12 oz. of water or non-dairy milk. One every 2-3 hours, 7 times a day, for 14 days. The powders are all made from whole foods (vegetables, fruits, berries, nuts, seeds, grains, blah blah blah), and each of the 7 is designed to focus on a different body systems (lymphatic & circulatory, endocrine & reprodutive, nervous, digestive, muscular skeletal, respiratory, and finally - whole body).

The main focus for me is an overall body detox to give me a quick & good baseline for future eating habits. I do expect to lose weight, and that certainly won't make me sad, but that's not my intent, that's just the icing on the cake. (Which, of course, is forbidden on this diet.)

My sweetheart (Monkey) is doing it with me, and that gives immeasurable relief. We live together, and it will be so much easier to peer pressure each other into sticking to it the whole way & not cheating.

I'll post stats (weight, etc.) later today. Right now I gotta go workout w/ Cody.


itsy bitsy part 2

So there it is. Me in my bikini. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I guess, depending on your point of view), you will not get to see the whole thing. Not on purpose, I just didn't get any pictures of it. And that's because, surprisngly, I hardly wore it. We spent most of our time NOT laying around beaches but rather hiking or swimming in surf a bit too rough for convenient bikini wear. The one beach, Kehena, where I would have worn it all the time was a 1/2-mile from our cottage - it became "our" beach. But it turns out that clothing was not needed at this gorgeous black sand beach populated with free-spirited locals. And when in Rome ...


among or between?

Thank you, SLOG, for cross-posting this list of commonly misused words. Grammar pedants (you know who you are) will sigh in agonized relief and pound righteously on their desks in agreement. For my part, I will ask the age-old question: Should the dictionary & grammar rules define usage or vice versa?

Here's a fun game: Go down the list & count up the number of mistakes you've been making for god-knows-how-long*. No cheating (even to yourself)!

*At least according to this list. Which I'm guessing is arguably not definitive.


quick show of hands ...

Puking (due to drinking too much). Preferably:

  1. before you go to bed?
  2. the next morning upon waking up or soon thereafter?